Dreamscapes

Dreams keep me awake sometimes, they spill out into my wakeful world like oil over the surface of water, tainting my ability to see through it into the reality bellow.  Can you imagine, that with every moments rest came recollections of things that never happened, moments of tragic history amplified for maximum effect.  No amount of therapy cures this, no trick of thought or act of restful contemplation makes my nights pass with ease, and every night I wake, again and again, to thoughts of travesties that never happened.  I dream and I regret the musings of my mind upon waking, I feel self-loathing for the parts of me that cling to such hateful thoughts so much that they must play them out before my closed eyes when I am most vulnerable.  It has always been this way, since I was so young that dreams would seem closer to reality and I'd wake with screams ready to burst from my throat.  I would give up EVERY dream between now and my eventual death for a night of restful, and blissfully empty, sleep.  Again and again I awake in the night, startled to consciousness by things unremembered JUST ENOUGH to light a smoke and inhale it with fervor.  Some nights I get no more than an hour of rest at a time before being jolted aware again.  I'm playing hopscotch with the night, jumping from dream to dream until I can safely get out of bed for good and start my day.  These days are filled with half aware recollections of the previous night, of wanting JUST ONE MORE HOUR.  And so in the day I nap, for napping comes easy, napping under the revealing light of the sun seems more appealing than in harsh and mournful moonlight.  Sleep might never come to me with ease the way it does with the rest of the world, I might NEVER have that feeling of waking rested, nor get through a day without the urge to return to slumber.  I am denied this, because of my history, because of what was done to me and what I fear from the future.  So now I lay me down to sleep again, mid afternoon and well lit.  Pray the following night passes as easily...