Clockwork Heart

Time... It clicks forward at a rate constant yet intangible, ethereal yet all too real.  I feel myself aging, my body working a little less like it should, my face carrying more and more of the weight of living, and each day I inch closer and closer to my next milestone.

Twenty nine in less than two months, then a  year to to thirty.  THIRTY, that all important age when you are no longer TWENTY, when you can't call yourself TWENTY anymore, when your age finally starts catching up with you.  NOTHING good can come of being thirty.

Sometimes the reality of life rears its ugly head and I know that it is fleeting and nigh pointless.  I think of the span of time it took to get from my childhood to my teens, and from there to here, and its most definitely speeding up.  Like a foot grown heavy on life's accelerator, I'm heading for a cliff I cannot avoid.  What comes after thirty? My THIRTIES when most adults have there heyday, and when for me it will be "all is just the same".  But not young, no longer youthful or energetic or full of LIFE.  I'm inching closer to death.

Were it possible to suspend the aging process and live forever I would, even if it meant living in the relative squalor I currently occupy.  I'd be the immortal cripple if it meant not having to face death.  That's the truth of it, I fear dying, and what, if anything, comes after.  Part of me screams that this is it, that when we pass we blink out of existence and go back to the forgotten darkness of before we were born.  I know I wont care, because I wont BE, but that is cold comfort.

There is so much of life that I enjoy, or have yet to experience, and I'm wasting what little time I have.  I'm burning my brief period in the light on stress and anxiety and depression and each moment gone is one I can't ever get back, but I can't stop.  Anxiety has a purpose, or so my therapist says, to mask other feelings (his theory, not mine).  Am I really that choked with anger that I need to stress life that much?  I don't know, but it doesn't seem right.  But, life goes on, and its all good...