Sometimes I get a nameless dread, a creeping feeling of fear and paranoia that can only be described as the sensation that some one is about to grab your ankle if it happens to be sticking out from beneath the covers. Silence is almost palpable in this state, and every small noise not readily attributed to a source is deemed a threat either supernatural or homicidal.
I've been getting this feeling since I was a kid, but haven't in some time. Tonight I awoke from a nap with it. I can only assume I had yet another nightmare, but I can't remember what it was or what it was about. Sitting at my computer desk I pulled myself indian style into the chair and played some music, hoping it would pass.
All day today the phone didn't ring, and I was left feeling lonely and hideously bored, so I should have seen this coming. Let my mind wander enough and its bound to try to self-destruct. With no one but my cat to keep me company I got online and began the long process of self-soothing, something I'm not particularly good at and usually involves buying stuff off ebay.
I remember when I was younger, when the rest of my family was asleep I'd be at the computer typing away till dawn some nights. The lights would be off and the glare of the monitor would sear into my eyes but I didn't care, I needed to make a connection however brief, however pointless. I'd scour the chat rooms for hours looking for that special someone, a woman with a unique mix of eccentricity and kindness to spend my time talking to. It never lasted, even the most generous of lost souls could only put up with me for so long, and I'd be back in the chat rooms again.
And do you want to know a secret?
I never really stopped...
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