Idk my bff jill

I DON'T KNOW WHY but this makes me really really really happy :)

Desperately Parking Subaru

THIS car keeps parking in the back lot of the apartment complex where I live, it seems innocent enough until…

you notice the license plate, which clearly reads DSPRTLY, or DESPERATELY!!!

I have no idea whose car it is, why it parks there, and why they chose such a grim vanity plate

HOWEVER it continues to show up parked directly behind my building, sitting there unassuming

like.  IT COULD BE ANYONE, or, ya know, a serial killer… that could be it too…

Fuck the Police

Old Blogs clutter the internet like feigned attempts at diaries. I remember being a kid and being surprisingly intrigued by the idea of a diary, a personal memoir to hold and keep and NEVER let anyone else see. AND each would begin with a few entries and never be touched again. It wasn’t until I hit high school that the concept took off, old marble notebooks filled with writing and scribbles and countless illustrations of impossible things.  NOW that is a memory, and like other memories its faded and tinted with sepia toned glasses, the color of nostalgia.  THINGS used to mean so much, every thought had weight, every dream had prospects and purpose, now ALL I want is to be able to write again. WRITE in the feverish way that made me great, that sickly strength of words that made my work soar and my poetry truly worthwhile.  SO I keep opening diaries, I keep writing the first page and hope for the second, and the third, and onward until FOREVER…

Free Association Exercise: Silence is Death

There is a tickle in my throat, it comes with silence.  Not the kind of lonely silence that comes with being by myself, but being quiet in the presence of others when NOISE would scream INAPPROPRIATE.  That itch feels like a need, a hunger, an urge to break the silence and open up the room to NOISE once again.  NOISE is caustic but comforting, it is ever present even it our most hostile attempts to conquer it.  Our heartbeats ring out the tune of life though we ignore it, air rushes in and out of our lungs though we hardly notice the breadth of breath.  Our very guts churn with sluggish outcries to be heard.  We are never silent even in unconsciousness, and when we no longer echo out brash calls against boorish silence, we will no longer live. Silence is Death, silence is the end of all things, the darkness has a voice and it whispers with quiet soundless impotence.  So I’ll cough away the end of life and open my lungs to breathe and DIGEST every morsel of raucous lividity and tomorrow when I wake I’ll turn on the music again.

-Nowhere-

-NOWHERE-
I feel my analogies burning
churning like so much brew
I tip my glass to nowhere
and I empty it anew
to be an empty headed thing
a cretin, a bafoon
one more sip to nowhere
and I'll end the night at noon

new born needs arising
sighing with the coming dawn
I spawn from seas of tranquility
into fertile lands of siren songs
and nowhere calls my name
like somewhere i've been before
psychosis grows i know it knows
i'll be there before long

so when I count my pills at night
its with a heavy heart
for when my head is splintered
the shards glisten in the dark
and shine a light towards nowhere
where I need to bleed to be
ecstatic and amorous
in love with being me

cheesy potatoes

waiting for the other shoe to drop
i took a hammer to the head
wound up back here instead
thinking of the ways we use to flop
take a roll in the hay
that futon never strayed
and so I say
take another shot today
spread myself thin
wise crack a jolly grin
I wrap my arms around your neck
in dreams and daytime memories
so please
come to me
I slip my heart out of my chest
present it to your beating breast
and free
the love in me
I held back for so long
the waves crest with this song
so come to me
tonight I plead
I wait for you with yearning needs
My skin desires your breathes breaze
come to me
come to please
me

Letter to my brother I don't have to courage to send

Dear Brother:

I composed this letter in part in my head riding the route 1A from the Downtown mall to my apartment complex, and in part upon my arrival.  I feel I should preface this by telling you I have always and will always hold you dear, both as a brother and as a friend.

That being said, I am constantly filled with worry for you, both for your sanity and your safety.  The people you are associating with claim to be peaceful, but no peaceful man threatens violence however perturbed he becomes.  Your constant talk of race wars, the illuminati, and your paranoia about being spied on both in the safety of your home from your computer and on the streets from the roaming eyes of police and pedestrians has me scared for you and your sanity.  That being said: the threats you have voiced towards me have ME scared for MYSELF.

You seemed to be trying so hard to find peace, but I believe you have been lead astray.  You voice so much hate towards people these days, even strangers you've never had so much as a passing word with.  You are constantly preoccupied with people being racist, even though you know nothing of them or their beliefs.  I know this because every conversation we have centers around it.  You tell me of the people I surround myself with being racist.  Rebecca is racist because she associates with gothic people, and THEY are racist because they listen to gothic and industrial music, and IT is racist because you say its all from Germany, and GERMANS are racist because of WWII.  Gabe is racist because you believe he is a homosexual, and all homosexuals are sexual deviants and out to take advantage of people.  Of course they are also racist, because somehow their fight for the right to marry infringes upon an African Americans fight to free himself from prejudice and poverty.  You believe Rachael is racist because she is southern, and of course, all southern people are racist.  The overwhelming theme is this: they are ALL white, and all white people are racist.  You even believe I am racist, because I dress like a pirate and practice Wicca.  Wiccans are racist because they have Celtic heritage, and Celts are all Aryans which are all racist.  And as for my pirate clothes?  Pirates, you say, brought African Americans over in ships to be sold into slavery. 

All the peoples I have listed: the races, creeds, sexual orientations, and spiritual paths you hate on sight.  You hate people who have money and an education because they are "yuppies" and of course, racist.  You even now hate people that have TATTOOS regardless of the fact that you yourself are covered with them because, as you say, tattoos are expensive and only people with money can afford them, and people with money are racist. 

My point is this: you hate them all, regardless of their personal merits or even knowledge of their actions or deeds.  You don't know them, but you hate them just by looking at them.  This is the very definition of prejudice and bias.  You have become just as bad as someone who actually IS racist.  The only people you seem comfortable with are African Americans, and even some of them you dislike on sight, because they are "thugs" and thugs? Totally racist.  I'm afraid to even say this to you, but YOU have become racist, prejudice, and bias towards the entire world.  You have become the very thing you so despise. 

I don't blame you for what you feel right now, and in order to explain that I have to explain my feelings towards both hatred and violence.  I myself have always been and will always be a pacifist.  I have never been in a serious physical altercation, and have no intention of ever being in a fight.  I have been struck, by you and by others, and I did not raise a hand in return.  It is my belief that violence and hatred, even in retaliation, solves nothing and only makes matters worse.  It exacerbates already bad situations and causes even more of the same. 

Hatred is like a disease.  People that vent, that inflict violence, that verbally abuse, are infected with it.  Either by experiences they have been through or by simple genetics they turn PAIN and FEAR outwards and inflict it upon others, either in retaliation or to innocent bystanders to whatever situation ails them.  My belief is that the main cause of this disease is simple exposure.  Violent and aggressive and hateful people simply experienced far too much hate in there lives and became jaded, and thus: infected.  The disease spreads as follows: hateful people inflict there inner pain on others, and those who go through this too much often become, as there aggressors, hateful themselves. 

I'm sorry to say that at this time you have become afflicted with this disease, which IS a disease, just as much as alcoholism and addiction are diseases.  They way you treat others isn't your fault, you were simply exposed to far too much of the same over the long sordid course of your life, and now it is all you know.  The only way you know how to respond by feeling hurt or sadness or fear is to lash out.  I love you brother, I love you dearly, but this has to stop.

My only hope is that through bettering yourself by doing good deeds, surrounding yourself with positive people, and with what might turn out to be a LIFETIME of therapy, you can conquer this horrible affliction you have found yourself being burdened with.  Please know that I WILL always be there for you, as brother and friend, but I no longer know how close I can remain to you.  Your pain turned to hate is starting to have an affect on my wellbeing, and I can't afford to become jaded.  I'm niave yes, innocent, sure, but I still have hope, and I won't risk that hope for anything.  I'm afraid I'm going to have to keep my distance for a while, until you can get yourself under control.  I love you brother, but that's how it is.

Please take care of yourself, and be safe,
your loving brother,
Zak